You lost me at hello.

I've been single for pretty much my whole life, and you know, it really hasn't been awful. Sure, I'm like any girl.....I get jealous of the ones who always get flowers on Valentines Day, and it would be nice to have that person to kiss at midnight on New Years Eve, that sort of thing. But all in all, I like my life and what I have. I have wonderful friends, a great job, and a schedule where I can jet off on girls weekend pretty much any time I want to. So when I say what I'm about to say, don't judge me or think that I'm saying this because I "want or need a boyfriend"..... because I've done almost 27 years without, and I know how to do that. It can be fun being "single and fabulous!(exclamation point)" I've had chances for dating guys, but if I think I'd have more fun with my friends than the guy, its not really worth keeping them around. The drama isn't that interesting to me, and I enjoy the freedom. I have a very full life, and I love it.

But its hard when I think I've found someone that I would like to stand still with for a minute in this world that's always coming and going, and there is no clear way to get it. I'm not thinking about marriage, I'm thinking about hanging out and sharing some parts of my life. I'm not sure about the big stuff, but I know I like being around this person. And all I want to do is say what I'm really thinking, which is that I just want to get to know you a little better still. I want you in my life more than you are right now. Let's just go grab a dinner or some caramels. That's all. Its simple, so what's the harm in that? But I can't say these things because that's scary, even for me. I don't like having the way I feel be in someone else's hands. I realize that I am in charge of the way I feel, but what person doesn't get disappointed when someone they care about says no? Its hard, and its scary to put yourself in a situation where that could happen. So what do you do? Sit back and wait because maybe this one will "finally come around" or say "F that" and stop talking to him completely because its tough, or is there actually something in the middle that you can actually stomach?

Maybe its the spoiled youngest child in me that still says "But I want this one!" Why can't I let this one go? And I think its because when it was good, it was so good. He made me smile. He made me laugh. He made me feel self-confident and sexy and beautiful, which no one has ever made me feel. He wanted to kiss me in public and hold my hand. He was silly and loud and outgoing and smart. He wasn't perfect, but its okay. Perfect is the opposite of good anyway.

In the movies, it would end up well because he'd see that I was different than every other girl he'd ever met. Someone would say to him, "Man, how could you let that go?" and it would just click for him finally. That's why I love movies. Its the real life stuff that's a bitch. Because the same person can hurt you a million times. And you can still make the same mistake a million times. People tell you that its their loss, there's something wrong with them for them to not see what they had. There's someone out there, the right person who "will think the sun shines out your ass" no matter what. (Thanks Juno!)

So here I sit, thinking to myself that if my friend was telling me this, I'd be telling her there is someone better out there. But its me, and I wish it was this one....at least for now. So I don't know....what to do...about how I feel...besides listen to my music and write this down.


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Someone else's words:
As you grow up, you will learn that even the one person that wasn’t supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it’s harder every time. You’ll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You’ll fight with your best friend. You’ll blame a new love for things an old one did. You’ll cry because time is passing too fast, and you’ll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you’ve never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you’ll never get back. Don’t be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin.