Redirection

I haven't been here in a while. To be honest, I'm not sure who my audience is for this blog anymore. Maybe it isn't anyone at all. So that's how I'm going to write it, as if I'm telling myself about myself. I'm 31 years old now. I own a home. I have an adult job. There are things that I absolutely love about myself, and there are things that frustrate me. I've been incredibly overwhelmed with life recently. I am working long hours in order to learn my new role, and I absolutely love it. I'm trying to balance my friendships and family. I'm trying to keep myself healthy and exercise. I was hopeful about a possible relationship that didn't turn out as I hoped. I think I'm staying afloat, but its tough to not feel like I'm not doing the best I could be in all areas of life. Let it be said, I worry. I worry that I worry. My life is great, and I know this. I just feel like I'm at a crossroads where I need to refocus on good things or else I'm going to lose myself. As Carrie Bradshaw said, " The most important relationship is with yourself, and if you find someone to love the YOU that YOU love, that's really special."

I'm sitting at home on a Friday night, and I'm just looking for a way to get all of the thoughts and worries out of my head. I have always loved writing and journaling, but I haven't made any time for it for a long time. I've always had something else I needed to do. I feel like my worries are just piling up inside and coming out as neck pain. I suppose I'm just going to use this as a way to record thoughts and think things through. I've got some decisions to make, and its just never good to not feel like yourself. I had my first panic attack today in a work meeting, first one in years. This is not me.

So I think this first post of my new postings should be a call to action for me. What am I going to do to be happy? I think about these things in my head, and then my mind drifts to work or bills or other things. I need to plan ahead.

Here they are:

1. I'm keeping myself crush-free until 2014. No thoughts about anything romantic or provoking butterflies. I'm not pursuing anything for the time being. There's too much on my plate to let anything around that's not making me completely happy.

2. Cut the crap. I've been comforting myself with food again, which I tend to do. I've kept up my exercising, but that doesn't take off the weight. I'm drinking water again. I'm stopping the candy and desserts. They will still be there. Let's face it. Desserts will always be there. I don't have to eat it like its the last one I'll ever see. I need to make my lunch the  night before. I need to wake up on time in the morning and go to bed reasonably.

3. Stand up for me. I think I've done this for as long as I can remember. I turn myself inside out to make things work for others. I love to do it because I know that people feel they can count on me. However, there is a fine line of being abused by it. I need to trust myself and speak up when I feel its wrong. I always worry I'll make someone uncomfortable when I state my feelings. However, if I can't tell a friend how I feel about things, are they really a friend?

4. Quiet the complaining. I think I make myself more negative when I complain. Its been a weird transition year getting a new job and moving. I feel so different than I even felt a few months ago. I love my job so much, and I'm so excited to learn what I'm learning. At the same time, I feel dumb every day. Its a weird feeling. From now on, I have to share one good thing for every frustrating thing that happens in my day.

5. Write things down a few times a week. I think just getting this out, even for myself to read, might help me to clarify. Maybe by writing things down, I'll see that the things I'm worrying about are kind of silly. 

Those are my goals for the time being. Its an experiment, and my hypothesis is that I will be happier by making these adjustments. I'm just frazzled, and I need to stand still for a minute to make sure I'm on the path I want to be on.